There are some days when you really wish you’d stayed in bed.  Today was close to being one of those days.  First, I woke up with a head cold.  I don’t feel awful but I’ve spent the day sneezing and blowing my nose.  I have gone through a lot of Kleenex.  Second, we were awarded a bid by one of the cities and I got all of the paperwork printed, signed by my boss, and I notarized it all.  I scanned and emailed it all to the purchasing agent at the city and about 3 hours later, I dropped off the FedEx with the wet ink copies…which is what they call the originals.  10 minutes after I dropped it off, the purchasing agent calls and one of the forms had the wrong bid number on it so I have to get the correct copy filled out, signed, and then notarize it.  Then I’ll scan it to the city and send another FedEx for a single piece of paper.  He had three hours to call me but waited until after I’d sent the FedEx.  Okay, I can deal with that but I don’t really want to right now.  I’m trying to get one more signature for my safety meeting sign-in sheet and he’s playing hard to get.  I have to have it sent in before I leave and I have to be out of here in about forty minutes.  I have someone’s approved expense report to scan to the corporate office.  I also have a printer issue that I need to get handled and another stack of safety forms to send to the transportation department before I leave.  And then I need to rush home, feed and water my feral and stray critters, take my medications, eat dinner, and be on a SARK call at 7:30.  So, I’m going to say good-bye for now so I can rush around and get all of this accomplished.  Oh, and my husband has made homemade cheese and onion enchiladas so there is a bright light at the end of this tunnel!      

We all have things in and about our lives that we wish we could change and some of those things we can change while others we can’t.  But is that really true or are we just lacking the “tools” that could help us make those changes?  Or do we give up too easily when the path leading to our goal gets too steep and we have to try harder than we would really like?  I would love to be a physicist but I am lacking the mathematical knowledge to become one and, quite honestly, I don’t seem to have the aptitude for math that one needs to pursue that particular career.  I’m not saying that I’m not capable of doing the math…I just prefer to take the path of least resistance and my brain resists higher level math.  So that’s one thing that I could probably change but choose not to because it would require more work than I want to put forth.  And, honestly, as I think about the things I’d like to change, I see a pattern emerging.  I could beat myself up over it or I could just do a bit of analysis.  Take my physics aspirations…the way that I see it, the ROI isn’t good enough for me to expend the effort.  I’d probably need at least a year or more of math before I could attempt to take actual physics classes.  Then when I felt my math was strong enough to take those classes, I’d need to get a doctorate to be taken seriously so by the time I was finished, I’d be getting close to seventy.  My return on investment would be pretty much zero.  Getting fit is one of those things that I really need to do and the ROI would be excellent but I’ve been resisting it for about as long as I’ve been alive.  So I could make the needed changes and I’d reap the benefits but I haven’t done it up to this point for no other reason that it wouldn’t be easy.  Not much of a reason, is it?  So, we don’t make these changes for a lot of different reasons…some legitimate and some not.  We are the only ones that can decide to make the changes and we don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves if we choose not to make them.  We just need to try to make sure that we make the changes that will make us happy and enrich our lives.  That’s all we can do.               

I know that I can write. I know that I would much rather make a living as a published author than remain at my current job…it’s not a bad job but to go to work every single day to a job that does not in any way feed your soul just sucks the life out of you. I know that if they didn’t have pretty decent insurance and/or I didn’t have so many health issues which require a lot of medications I would have left quite a while back. That’s not what should keep you at your job. I know that I’ve already had my non-writing dream job at a company called BigFatWow! where I was passionate about my work and I was told regularly just how much they appreciated me. They were awesome to work for but startups are volatile in that they can implode in a heartbeat if your investor pulls out or another company acquires it. BFW! had both happen. I was 1 of the few people that the new company kept. I had worked for 8.Communications for about a year when I was in a horrific head-on collision that should have actually killed me. I had a fractured pelvis, broken clavicle and broken ribs and considered myself fortunate. I was in the hospital for 2+ weeks, in a wheelchair for almost 3 months, in physical therapy for 2 months and was finally released to drive almost 4 months after the accident. I went back to work only to find them cleaning out our offices because our investor pulled out. I began my current job about 3 months later. It will be 16 years ago next month…just a few days before my birthday.  I know that I was being watched over on that March evening. I know that a lot of people stopped to try to help me and to give the police their statements about how the man in the pickup truck that hit me was speeding (the police said he was going 65 in a 45mph zone) and that he was passing illegally and when moved to the far right lane, he followed me over. I know he walked away from the accident. I know that a complete stranger named Mohammed talked to me through my side window that would only roll down a inch or so and he kept me calm. He also called my husband for me and told him about the accident. I know that I wish that I could find him and thank him face to face rather than from the inside of a wrecked car that I was trapped in. I know that to this day, I don’t remember anything between the time I saw the truck heading toward me and when I looked up after the impact. I know that the sound of the door being pulled off was one of the loudest things I’ve ever heard. I know the firemen and paramedics were amazed that I was alive, hadn’t hit my head, and was conscious. I know what a siren sounds like from inside the ambulance. I know what being stuck in a wheelchair feels like. I know that I never want to feel like an invalid again. I know that I don’t like having to depend upon others for way too much from personal hygiene to transportation to having to have a baby monitor in the bathroom just in case I didn’t transfer successfully from the wheelchair in and out of the shower or on/off the commode. I know what it’s like to be told by my brother that hair looked like it belonged on a calico cat because I couldn’t dye it so I had varying shades of auburn growing out with a little brown and, to top it off, white roots. I know what it’s like going through and being confirmed during Easter Vigil while in my wheelchair with calico cat hair. I know what freedom felt like on the day I was released from the wheelchair. I know so many things but those are the ones that came to mind tonight. That’s probably because I was free associating and that’s where it took me. The photos are of my car at the impound lot. Something like that changes your life and I was never quite the same after it happened. But one positive thing was me knowing that I was blessed otherwise I wouldn’t have survived. Thanks for taking this stroll down memory lane with me tonight.

I have found that my creative life revolves more around planning to write, preparing to write, and finding reasons that I just can’t write than actually writing.  The first two steps are necessary…the third one is not.  At least not all of the time.  I think that my hesitation to actually sit down to write needs to be psychoanalyzed.  Is it a fear of failure or a fear of success?  Is it a lack of motivation or do I need to have a deadline imposed by another person with real penalties involved?  Do I just not have what it takes to be a writer…if so, what’s missing?  I can write and people like what I write, so where is the missing piece?  Yes, as I recently proclaimed, I am a world class procrastinator.  So, is that the issue?  It probably is part of it but not the only missing piece.  I wonder if anyone out there has a book about writing and writers that is from the viewpoint of an analyst/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist?  Something that addresses this kind of situation.  I know I’m not the only creative person that has this issue…I see it in my creativity and writing groups on a regular basis.  Maybe we need to form a group that specifically addresses this…people that have the talent to create but don’t.  I have tried everything from setting timers to getting up earlier to staying up later (the previous 2 are not really viable options because of the sleep disorders I have and the 3 medications I take for them), to committing to another person that I will write for a certain period of time and so many more things.  So, I guess I’ll continue trying to figure out where the problem lies.  And, if I come up with any kind of solution, I will definitely share it with you.    

When people hear the word “artist” their mind automatically goes to painters, sculptors, and others that create something with a physical form.  But we create with words.  We create whole worlds, characters, plots, and we create emotions in our readers.  So don’t think of yourself as “just a writer”, which you are, but you are also just as much as any painter.  We use words to create experiences for our readers…some that they wouldn’t experience otherwise.  We make them laugh and cry, we give them wonder and awe, we help them suspend belief, we help them to release pent up emotions, and we help them to see things in different ways than they normally do.  We are awesome.  We are talented.  We see things in a way that no one else can duplicate.  We are a gift to the world and we need to remember and believe that at all times.  Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle. You have something to share with the world and you have to do that.  Trust yourself and your talent and abilities.  We have to go out and be the artist that you are and were meant to be.  You owe it to the world.  You owe it to yourself.     

As I’ve said before, I am the world’s worst or best, depending upon how you look at it, procrastinator.  I plan things or decide to do something and I keep putting it off until I have no choice but to do it.  Part of that is pure procrastination but the other side of it is that I perform much better under pressure.  In college, at the very beginning of the semester, a paper would be assigned and due 2 months later.  I would wait until a few days before it was due to begin writing it and I would usually end up with an A.  The same was true when preparing for a test or presentation.  I do it at work and with projects at home.  I’m much worse when there is no deadline…like when I plan to do some organization in my Magical Writing Haven.  I bought an expandable set of shelves about a month ago and they sat in the box until last night when I decided to assemble them.  And I actually brought them in here and set them up this morning.  I also assembled a small rolling shelf and set it up last night.  I have such a limited amount of room here that I have to find creative ways to store and display things.  This room was once my crafting room so I have card making supplies, tools and equipment, jewelry making supplies and tools, bath bomb and bath salts making supplies and tools, a huge amount of essential oils and, various other things in here.  I sat here last night and thought about the fact that I am not a very good card maker and the things used for that take up a huge amount of room that could be put to better use but first, I have to let it all go.  I am thinking about contacting Samantha, the person that got me started and telling her that I am boxing it all up and it’s hers.  I have invested a lot of money in this little venture and I could sell it but just ridding myself of it and clearing space that could be put to much better use would be enough.  Plus, I don’t want to deal with trying to find buyers even though they’d be getting a total bargain.  I think I’d just get rid of the equipment and all of the dies but keep all of the stamps, papers, inks, punches, and other various things that I can use in future projects that I work on for SWW and future SARK groups.  I am very bad at letting things go.  I don’t know why that is but it is.  It’s not like I’ve ever been deprived and am making up for that past deprivation.  Part of my issue is my OCD and ADHD.  When I decide that I want to do something, I don’t start out like most people do.  I dive in and completely immerse myself.  I don’t just buy the starter kit…I buy everything that you could possibly need…from beginner to complete expert.  And then as soon as I have everything and get it all set up, something else grabs my interest and I head off in that direction and, once again, dive right in.  I try to control it but I haven’t done a very good job of that.  But I think that getting rid of the cardmaking stuff will be a step in the right direction.  And I will regain a little control and retake some of the space that I so badly need here in the Magical Writing Haven.             

Writing is therapy.  It allows us to deal with our emotions and situations that are difficult to deal with in any other way.  I write poetry to deal with depression, frustration, and anger.  I write prose to let my thoughts run free without any constraints.  It’s liberating.  And, if it gets me published some day, then good for me.  Writing can serve a multitude of purposes.  It can get your ideas across to others.  It can make people laugh, cry, think, learn, and see other viewpoints that are different than their own.  It can raise awareness or hide the truth.  It’s a multipurpose tool.  It can be used for good or evil.  It can change the world or it can be pure entertainment.  So if someone tells you that you’re wasting your time when you write, tell them that you are most definitely not wasting your time.  And then, sit down and write something that proves it to them!    

Only we know what works for us.  We read books on writing that have all kinds of tips to make the process easier, things we should and shouldn’t do if we want to succeed, how to up our word count, etc….  Some of the advice is pure gold but, as I said yesterday, not all of it will work for us.  There’s nothing wrong with cherry-picking the things that do work for us and leaving the rest behind.  And something that works for me might not work for you so try it and if it works, great.  If it doesn’t, then forget about it.  Just because a famous author wrote it doesn’t mean that we have to do it.  What works for Stephen King might not work for Neil Gaiman.  Writers are individuals so our process has to be individualized.  There isn’t anything in the world that works for everyone across the board.  So, read all the books you desire to read and pick and choose what works.  It’s like our own recipe for writing success.  A pinch of that, a cup of this, and a scoop of that.  Mix it together and write your heart out!

It seems that every single time that we try to make changes in our life we fall short of the results that we hope to make happen.  We read self-help books, watch self-help YouTube videos, etc…, and we might make a bit of progress but never as much as we had hoped.    I don’t believe that the “problem” is us…it’s that we are trying to force ourselves into a box that someone else made to fit a large number of people.  We don’t fit into anyone’s box.  We are individuals and there is absolutely no box anywhere that fits us.  So stay away from boxes.  If someone promises that they can “fix” us, they are lying or at least exaggerating.  Besides, we are not broken.  We do not need to be fixed by anyone.  Anything that we can possibly desire to be or accomplish, we are capable of making it happen.  We might need some encouragement or a little assistance from others but that is all.  So, forget about all of the self-help things that you’ve tried in the past that didn’t work.  You were not a failure.  You were failed by people promising you that they had all the answers.  So, just trust your gut.  You know what you want and somewhere inside you, you know how to get it.  Believe in yourself. 

I think that we’ve become so used to living our current lives that we can’t fully comprehend a different type of life….the life that we actually long for deep within ourselves.  So, if you’re like me, sometimes you subconsciously sabotage yourself because there’s some fear of the unknown.  Our life is on a path that we’re comfortable walking down and the life that lies off of that path is difficult to conceive.  Maybe there’s a fear of failure or maybe even success.  I tend to procrastinate and even though I want to be a published author more than I can even express, I find one thing after another with which to waste my time.  I still, to this day, don’t know why that is.  I wonder if they have therapists that deal with conflicted creatives?  I have wondered over the years if this is a common problem amongst us and, if it is…why?  Unlike so many people, we know what our life’s dream is but we won’t let ourselves reach it.  We put other things, other people, other interests, etc…, ahead of that dream.  I think that we really need to do some soul searching and find out why that is.  And we can’t stop until we get the answer because it’s standing in the way of us becoming what we truly desire to be.  Just some random thoughts.